Original Prose by Johnny Allen
It feels like you didn’t even try to save me.
I wanted my hair long but he wouldn’t have it, didn’t want to look at it.
Didn’t see me, didn't want to see me.
I was scum, I was lazy.
He was the dad I never wanted and he treated you like shit.
Made you feel worthless like you couldn’t do anything about it.
Couldn’t protect your son, your favorite.
Death sends everyone into a violent maelstrom.
Depression and sadness and failing to overcome them.
My real dad only three months dead,
I can’t remember the last thing he said.
Still grieving we packed up and left,
Settled into a house that reeked of cigarettes.
Nearest neighbor too far to hear us cry out.
He tortured us both because we were too poor to get out,
Stole the money I was supposed to get from my dad’s death.
You saw those abused women on tv and wanted to know.
Why don’t you just leave him?
So God was going to teach you the reason.
That’s some kind of God you believe in.
Who schools everyone in suffering.
So, why this or why anything,
Felt like my first and only question.
How sweet the void seemed by comparison,
Four-dimensional never-ending expanse of nothing.
Nothing sweeter than having never been.
And I drank from that bitter cup,
Took drugs and drank until I threw up,
Found everything I could screw up,
Made a point to never show up,
Left you in the dust as soon as I grew up.
That’s when he tried to take your life.
Fever drunk one night and in the mood to fight,
He only let up ‘cause he thought the deed was done.
What that was like I can’t imagine.
So, why this or why anything,
Felt like my first and only question.
How sweet the void seemed by comparison,
Four-dimensional never-ending expanse of nothing.
Shit, now that I look back on it,
I keep thinking I’ll have some insight,
Guarded about if I got anything right,
Distance doubles my doubt,
What the fuck was that about?It feels like you didn’t even try to save me.
I wanted my hair long but he wouldn’t have it, didn’t want to look at it.
Didn’t see me, didn't want to see me.
I was scum, I was lazy.
He was the dad I never wanted and he treated you like shit.
Made you feel worthless like you couldn’t do anything about it.
Couldn’t protect your son, your favorite.
Death sends everyone into a violent maelstrom.
Depression and sadness and failing to overcome them.
My real dad only three months dead,
I can’t remember the last thing he said.
Still grieving we packed up and left,
Settled into a house that reeked of cigarettes.
Nearest neighbor too far to hear us cry out.
He tortured us both because we were too poor to get out,
Stole the money I was supposed to get from my dad’s death.
You saw those abused women on tv and wanted to know.
Why don’t you just leave him?
So God was going to teach you the reason.
That’s some kind of God you believe in.
Who schools everyone in suffering.
So, why this or why anything,
Felt like my first and only question.
How sweet the void seemed by comparison,
Four-dimensional never-ending expanse of nothing.
Nothing sweeter than having never been.
And I drank from that bitter cup,
Took drugs and drank until I threw up,
Found everything I could screw up,
Made a point to never show up,
Left you in the dust as soon as I grew up.
That’s when he tried to take your life.
Fever drunk one night and in the mood to fight,
He only let up ‘cause he thought the deed was done.
What that was like I can’t imagine.
So, why this or why anything,
Felt like my first and only question.
How sweet the void seemed by comparison,
Four-dimensional never-ending expanse of nothing.
Shit, now that I look back on it,
I keep thinking I’ll have some insight,
Guarded about if I got anything right,
Distance doubles my doubt,
What the fuck was that about?
Something about the heart and fonder:
What kills you and what makes you stronger?
